Sarah's father and i, When we were kids,
We went to Music camp together.
Ugh...
There was nothing that his Parents wouldn't do for me--
I've got a plane To catch in 3 hours,
So let's wrap up The story.
I'm giving you The short version.
Okay.
But you still Might wanna sit down !
I just feel a certain Connection to sarah...
Yeah, well, me too, I mean, we are cousins.
I think that you two Have a history together.
I hope she still Doesn't resent me
From stealing all the money from Her drawer that time, 'member ?
Ben, you were 6 years old, you know--
I know, but it Was over a dollar.
I hope you don't expect her To wait on you hand and foot
'Cause she's a Working woman...
That's true, It's not gonna Be like here.
Yeah, try to Be a good guest.
I'm gonna be nice, I think.
That's a start.
What d'ya think An arrangement should be
About paying For stuff ?
Should she pay For everything, Or do i... ?
I think she should Give you a per diem.
How much are we Talking about ?
I dunno, 50 bucks a day
Hmm... That's not bad.
You should probably give me Some extra cash, you know, for--
You have those american express checks.
Well, yeah, but i'm saying You should give me some cash
So i could Give it to sarah
And then she can Pay for everything !
That way i don't Have to budget.
I'm not good About that.
You want her to dole out The money for you ?
Well, i don't know How to approach it
If sarah and i Go out for dinner
Do i just say... "Uhm, My father said you'd pay."
No, i think you should offer to Pick up the check, when you can.
There are 3 or 4 basic rules To being a good guest...
No hair-pulling.
Okay, there are 4 or 5 basic Rules to being a good guest...
Yeah.
Don't show her yours unless She showed you hers first...
Dad !
You know what, ben ? I have to go to work,
So come here and Give me a big hug, will ya ?
You know what ? I don't big goodbye.
Come here, you.
I don't wanna make this Any bigger than
Just you Going off to work
'Cause that'll Make me nervous.
Okay.
Well, how about A little hug ?
A little hug Is always nice.
Umph !
Oww !
I gave you the heimlich I meant to give you a hug.
Why did you Go "umph" ?
I've never heard You do that.
It's better than, "Sweet god, it feels so good !"
I would've Preferred that !
You'd better get out of here Before i start crying.
Alright.
They did a study...
And they said that guys Have a sexual thought
Once every 11 seconds.
Yeah.
Oh my god, That is really scary !
You know what's Even scarier ?
Until the Next thought comes...
There's nothing.
Yeah.
And dr. Katz, i'm not Saying i'm mr. Handsome
But i make up for it 'Cause i'm great in bed
'Cause i try so hard and I care about the woman's needs.
Most guys don't even Talk to girls
When they're having Sex with them.
But i'm always like-- every girl That sleeps with me
Gets the mitch fatel Questionnaire.
I'm always like, how are you Enjoying this so far ?
Have i been Courteous and kind ?
Would you recommend me To a friend ?
Didn't you just End a relationship ?
My girlfriend broke up with me Which i think is better
It's always better when the girl Breaks up with the guy...
Yeah.
'Cause then it's Over in 5 minutes
'Cause then the guy just Says his piece, which is like--
"You suck !"
And that's it, It's over !
But when a guy Breaks up with a girl,
You need an Entire afternoon free
'Cause there's gonna be Questioning...
And witnesses...
And forms to fill out.
Yeah.
But there were some Rough spots in your Relationship.
Things didn't Always go wonderfully.
I couldn't give her an orgasm If my life depended on it !
I mean, i could If i had 12 hours free.
Girls are so complicated When it comes to that.
There's more parts down there, Than a 10-speed bike !
I mean, how am i supposed to Remember everything, dr. Katz ?
You have to push on this While you're pulling on that
While you're Spinning that.
I don't even know Where "that" is, dr. Katz !
And god forbid you even Come near the right area.
Then it's like, you're Crash-landing a plane, you know.
She's like "move 2 centimeters To the left, easy, easy...
Now look straight ahead, There should be a button !"
And i'm like, "Yeah, push that button And may god help us all !"
( Laura ) Dr. Katz's office.
Man, i almost had it !
Aren't you supposed To be on the plane ?
I missed my First flight
Well, just get on The next one.
I'm going to.
I just, uhh... The airport's so nice...
There's great bookstore here, Brand-new...
And i bought you, A t-shirt...
Ben...
I also bought you One of those shaky things--
Like, "it's snowing !"
And uh, what else Did i get you,
Let me check The bag here...
You're gonna take All that with you ?
No, i got a locker.
I figured, "get it now 'Cause the price could go up" !
Ben, you're not Afraid to fly, are you ?
No, no, i didn't call To kill time
I'm just, uhm, Because of that...
Are you sure ?
Actually, I love flying !
I just... Don't like planes.
Um-hmm.
I thought i saw the pilots Drinking in the lounge,
And that makes me A little nervous.
Really ?
Well, i'm not sure They were the pilots...
It could've just been The cleaning crew
'Cause they were really Well-dressed too.
Everybody wears A one-piece, now.
I gotta go.
W-wait ! Tell my dad that, uhh...
Don't tell my dad, I called again.
No ?
No, i don't want my dad To know i called.
You know what i'm gonna do, i'm Gonna have a couple of drinks
Take a couple of pills
Put on one of those Patch things--
Ben !
Smoke !
Get on The plane !
I'm just trying to Keep you on the phone, here.
I'm terrified.
( Beep )
( Dr. Katz ) Laura, any Calls for me ?
Why do you Keep asking ?
Well, i'm a Little concerned--
The truth is, I miss the little guy.
Oh ?
You live with somebody For awhile-- 25 years
And then they're gone and Then all of a sudden...
He's coming back, Isn't he ?
Yeah...
He'll be back In a couple of days.
But i was just wondering If he had called because--
Well, dr. Katz...
Yeah ?
Ben called From the airport.
Why didn't You tell me ?
Because he told me Not to tell you.
Yeah, but you Just told me !
Because you're Driving me crazy !
Hi, i'm Patton oswalt.
Could you take a seat, Please, mr. Oswalt ?
Patton, Like the general !
I heard you.
Uh... Is this the newest "People" that you have ?
Yeah.
Can i just borrow it, If you're just--
No !
I'll just look through it, I'll give it right back
When i go in.
Then what Am i gonna do ?
Yeah, but i mean, You don't even have it open.
If i could Just borrow it.
I'm reading The cover !
Who's that guy in the Little box on the top left ?
( Sigh ) Take it !
I'm so glad I'm doing stand-up comedy.
Why is that ?
Whatever my mood is, I can try to make it funny.
Yeah.
Whereas other jobs,
You have to kinda Have, like, a "mood".
Even if you don't have That actual mood,
You have to Sorta put it on.
Like ?
I was a staff writer On a sketch show
And people would Come in on monday,
You had to Pitch sketch ideas.
People whose lives were Obviously going really well,
They would talk about stuff They'd done that weekend like--
"Yeah, this is a sketch about A guy and his girlfriend
"And they go out record shopping
It's really sunny And it's really fun !"
And they'd get to me and go-- "Patton, let's hear Your sketch !"
"Yeah, this is about a guy that, Uh, sits in his apartment
"He's awake for, Like, 63 hours.
And he listens to his "Velvet underground" box set Over and over again."
And then they'll go, "Where does it go from there ?"
And i go, "He starts crying ?"
That's funny.
You write for a network And they're so paranoid About everything.
Like, you'll write a sketch, And they'll come back--
"Yeah, this adolf hitler Sketch is funny
Could he not be Anti-semitic ?"
And, um, three of these Klansmen need to be black.
Right.
Is it bad when you Refer to all alcohol
As "pain-go-bye-bye juice" ?
No.
Is that bad ?
Not at all, I mean...
Like, easter is like-- When i was growing up...
If you wanted To color eggs,
There was only One game in town, "paas"
You had to go to "paas."
That was it, and their kit Was like, 6 color tablets
Remember those ?
And you'd put them In the water
And the water would Smell like a vinegar fart.
And then, there was A little wire torture chair
You'd put the egg in and You'd lower it into the water.
Or like me, you'll put all the Tablets in one glass of water
And then the eggs Would come out brown.
"Oh, brilliant, good patton !
"You can't Get brown eggs !
That's our Little prodigy !"
And then you could Take the box,
And you could punch The holes out in the back
And make the box Into an egg holder.
And that was it-- You went to "paas."
And then...
Remember when there was All those other companies
That came by trying to Topple the paas empire ?
In the '70s There was "shake 'n egg"...
I'm not sure What you mean.
"Shake 'n egg" was where You would put the egg in a bag
With all this glitter...
And then it would come out all Sparkly looking all "glam rock",
Like it came out of David bowie's ass or something.
And there was the "Ronco" egg-coloring thing
It was was like a Weird inquisition device
Where you'd put The egg in a clamp
And you'd put A magic marker
And then you Could turn the egg
And it would make a Line on the egg.
And if you were willing To spend, like, 4 hours
You could make, Like, a grid design.
Which is great, if you were A contractor or--
"See, i've broken the egg down Into its component vectors..."
But recently I was in the store
And i'm looking At the egg-coloring kits
There's only one company Left standing-- "paas" !
And you know what Their kit is ?
The 6 color tablets, The little wire thing,
And you can punch out The back and make a hole.
They didn't Change a thing !
I so respect that !
I can just imagine whoever The founder, henry paas Or whomever--
"Let 'em go to Their "shake 'n egg"
"And their little "ronco"
"They'll come Crawling back !
"We are paas !
"Happy easter And go to hell !
I'm not changing A damn thing !"
Hey, dad ?
Ben, where Are you ?
You're not gonna believe Where i'm calling from !
I hope you're not calling From the plane, 'cause--
I'm in the plane.
That is instead of our trip To europe, ben.
This is a ridiculously Expensive thing to do.
How's the trip ?
It's fairly smooth, i got Very nervous during takeoff
And then Right after takeoff.
But it's not A full plane
So there's plenty of empty seats Here and i got moved to the back
'Cause i was making Other passengers nervous.
Statistically, The 3 most dangerous Parts of flying, ben:
Taking off, The landing,
And all that stuff In the middle.
Dad !
I-- i'm sorry, ben,
But, i guess, i'm the wrong guy To call from a plane.
The planes are So modern now.
It's been about a year Since i've flown
And they have Really updated.
Oh, everything Has changed.
The fleet is--
Spankin' new !
There are men now, Who serve drinks...
Those are women.
Oh, i was gonna say, This is ridiculous.
I mean, what's Happening to society
When men can get Equal jobs to women ?
That's true.
But, i guess, the workplace Is just evening out--
Okay, ben, I love you and--
You don't Wanna stay on ?
No, just call me When you land.
I would like to know That you've landed safely.
Okay, i will do that.
Maybe i'll call you back after The movie, tell you about it.
( Ringing )
Hello ?
Ben !
Dad !
Ben, i expected sarah To answer the phone !
Well, i'm at sarah's.
How's it going ?
It's good, you're Kinda interrupting
I'm having breakfast.
With sarah ?
No, no, no, She left.
She went to work.
Oh, so you got The place to yourself !
Yeah, oh yeah ! It's really nice.
Is it going okay ? You guys getting along ? She good company ?
Sarah picked me up At the airport
And that's the last I saw of her.
Just dropped you off at the House and left you there ?
No, actually it's kinda weird 'Cause she had plans last night.
I'm sure she wants To show you around.
Well, no, She had plans
That she kept With other people.
You don't feel Comfortable Tagging along ?
No, it was because... I wasn't invited.
That's odd, That you'd travel--
I don't Necessarily Blame her
She does have to Work in the day
And then wind down With her friends at night.
At least i'm glad you Stuck around for my call.
I wasn't waiting For your call, dad.
I mean, i have Stuff to do here.
Sarah left me a list.
I have to go Shopping for her...
Sounds to me like You're being a good sport.
I don't mind 'Cause it's sarah
And she has a Very nice place.
What is it like ?
It's very big.
And she's a lawyer.
Right.
You been through Her drawers yet ?
( Chuckle )
Good morning, Sunshine girl.
You're feeling Pretty chipper, seems like.
Yeah, i feel Pretty good today.
I just feel like, A sense of peace Has come over me...
I just have this Distinct feeling of--
Well-being ?
"No ben".
I wish i could Share your enthusiasm--
You can !
I have to admit, I miss the guy !
I really do.
Yeah ?
Do you miss him A little bit ?
Not really.
You do like him, though--
Umm... Okay.
I don't think you realize How much you mean to him.
Look, just let me enjoy These next couple of days
Without him, okay ?
( Ringing )
Good morning, Dr. Katz's office.
C-could i speak to Laura, please ?
Oh, ben.
I'm not here.
Laura, i didn't Recognize you.
( Angrily ) Umm.
That's better.
Uhh.
There you are.
( Sigh )
Found you !
Why are You calling ?
I just wanted to... Give uh... You know...
Where's the old laura That answered the phone ?
Ben, how is it possible That you're more annoying
When you're away ?!
Well, i just wanted to, You know...
Tell my dad what i've done The last 2 hours
But i can tell you.
Sarah's still at work.
I am still In the apartment,
And i'm gonna probably Meet sarah for lunch
'Cause she knows this little Spot downtown, umm...
Called "the cafeteria Where she works"...
But, uh, i'll tell you, laura, This city is fantastic !
Yeah ? What have you Seen so far ?
I haven't left sarah's Apartment yet, but, umm...
I've got the Hometown magazine...
( Sigh )
And it looks great !
Right.
Man, i'm bored here !
It's so hard To have sex with women.
They're all so, like...
"No !"
Yeah.
I hope i become Famous, dr. Katz !
'Cause if you get famous,
You get to have sex With a lot of women,
And you get to be in Orgies and stuff...
Oh my god, have you Ever been in an orgy ?
I've... I always had A scheduling problem.
I can't wait For my first orgy.
I'm gonna be So excited !
I'm gonna show up Extra early
Help put up The decorations...
I wonder how Orgies works, though.
Do you just jump in ?
Or is there Orgy etiquette ?
Like, do you have to Announce it first ?
Like, "mitch fatel !
Comin' in On the right !"
So, laura, before We hang up, you know
I assume, you want to Tell me something...
Like, you know, Having to do... With missing me ?
You know what, ben ?
You don't have to say it, I know you're torn.
I think i really Would miss you
If you ever left me alone For more than 10 minutes.
Hmm, alright.
Make me miss you, ben, Make me miss you.
I like the way You're talking.
Dr. Katz, i was Reading this book
And they said hypnotism can help You remember your childhood,
So i think that You should hypnotize me !
Okay, it's Not my strength--
I-am-now-hypnotized !
I had a Bad childhood !
Do you want me to Act like a chicken ?
That would be nice !
I am not Hypnotized anymore !
You know they say you Can't be hypnotized
If you don't Want to be.
I-am-now Hypnotized.
Even though the kid Drives me crazy,
He is my best friend In the whole world.
Yeah.
He's the one guy i can Tell anything to...
And i know that he Won't be listening.
Ha, oh...
You need somebody Like that !
I could use A "deaf ear".
I think it's very important That he get out there...
See if he can function As an adult human.
I think this trip Is very good for him
Even though it was stressful-- The whole thing of packing
And knowing What to take.
Right.
You know, when I was a sales manager--
Did you just Eat your booger ? No !
Then what did You do with it ?
There wasn't any ! There wasn't any !
Did you wipe it Under the bar ?
No !
Did you ?
Let me feel under the bar, See if there's any--
Oh my god ! Oh my god !
Aaahhhhhh !
Dad !!
Oh god, i hope That's you, ben !
It is me !
What are you doing Home so early ?
Is that half & half ?
I wanted to give you A good surprise
'Cause i know I am home early.
You did, 24 hours, Who's counting ?
You are !
Shut up for one second and Give your father a hello hug !
Tell me about the trip, Tell me everything !
Ssshhh !
Let me get it out !
I came home early because i-- Not 'cause i missed you--
But because, uh...
Was it fun To be with her ?
It was good At first.
It was good seeing her At the airport.
Uh-huh.
And then it was good Seeing her once again
When she saw me off At the airport.
She's very busy.
Very demanding job, Being a lawyer.
I've learned a lot about What it's like to be busy.
I was hoping that maybe Some of her get-up-and-go
Would rub off On you !
It's not That easy, dad.
You gotta go To law school,
And, uh, you gotta Train, professionally.
You can't just do the Rubbing-off thing anymore.
Although i did Pick her up and rubbed.
No, and i also, Because of that, Passed the l-sats.
( Snickering )
I tell you something i did... I liked flying-- now i realize.
The flight back was much Better than the flight going.
You start To get used to it.
Were you sitting in The aisle or the window ?
No, aisle.
I prefer the aisle.
Why ?
'Cause i never really like Asking someone to get up
When i have to Go to the bathroom.
Right.
And if you're on the aisle, You're your own man.
Yeah, it's More freedom.
I'll tell you when i'm gonna Get up, i'm not gonna ask you.
I'll go right here !
The window-- you have to ask A couple of people sometimes.
Yeah.
"Sorry to bother you".
They have to get up And get in the aisle.
Right.
Then when you come back, The whole thing again.
Yeah.
And then later in the flight, You have to go again.
Oh, dad Enough, already !
I was just getting Happy to be back !
That's why, for me, The aisle is, really,
The most desirable Seat there is.
Good-night.
I was reading about, uhh, These places--
There's some in florida And some in california
Called "midget villages".
And only midgets live there, It's all fenced off.
You gotta be A midget to get in.
And all the houses and the cars Are scaled down to their height
And-- maybe i'm A little bit perverse--
I would love to get Really liquored up
And then hop the fence and just Walk through the town going--
( Growling )
Woooo !!
That would be so good For my self-esteem, you know.
Yeah !
Attack of the 5'5" guy !
My god those Are 30-length pants !
I don't know where i stand On the gay issue, dr. Katz !
Like i just agree With whoever i'm talking to.
One guy can be like,
"2 guys having sex Is an insult to god !"
And i'm like, "whooaaa, Praise the lord !"
And then another guy Can be, like,
"What 2 people do in their Privacy in their own home
Is their own business"
And i'm like, "Aah, i love men !"
( Music )
You know what The music means, mitch.
We're gonna Have to stop now.
Do you think i can bring My own music next time ?
If i let you Bring your music,
I'd have too let everybody Bring their own music.
Am i your favorite Out of everybody ?
I want you to be Very honest with me.
It would Help me a lot...